A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
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I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
White Castle for the Win
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her