If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
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stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.