I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
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“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him