stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
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I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.