Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
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My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome