Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
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“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.