@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
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It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…