Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
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Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
we all know this pain all too well
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.