piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
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no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Sing it!
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.