British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
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Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Coffee for people with no kids
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds