I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
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The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Life cycle of cat
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.