Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
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Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.