I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
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My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
I am also baked goods
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.