a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
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when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it