*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
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Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
#gardening
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.