“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
You Might Also Like
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
what the
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.