SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
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Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.