Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
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Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.