Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
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“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”