HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
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I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
You got this…
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”