Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
You Might Also Like
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
i dont have time for this
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.