“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
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There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.
“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.