I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
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me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!