Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
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Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
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“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
crochet youtube is brutal
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.