My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
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4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.