Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
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Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.