FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
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I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.