30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
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*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Imagine having a party on purpose.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now