How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
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I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.