Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
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[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.