ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
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[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.