Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
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My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
watergate? u mean a dam??
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Discuss
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.