There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
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Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
I wish this was real life…
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me