[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
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I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.