“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
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Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
lol
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.