No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
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For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?