Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
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I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Wait a second…
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
A small tragedy.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child