My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
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BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Meow
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”