Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
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Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
“no gods no masters” = leo
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit