I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
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Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.