According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
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GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…