Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
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When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
This is my bus stop.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.