Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
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They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
accurate
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low