I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
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“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
wish me luck lads
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.