Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
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[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
good morning
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend