Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
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English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
bias laundering edition
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
No regrets in 2018
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.