I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
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[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
i did the math
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.