These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
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welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
I am all good here, 😂😉
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
This is a true ally.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.