{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
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LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Oh boy, $150,000!
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above