Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
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[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.